Do you ever ask why?

While laying in the hospital bed, with no baby beside me, I wondered why. Why to me, Lord? I would rack my brain wondering what I had done to cause such suffering. Thankfully, those thoughts lasted but moments. I knew the truth and I had to speak it to my soul! God doesn’t work like that I would remind myself, and He tells us that the suffering in our lives produces character.

 The first few days Bentley was in the NICU and I was in my hospital room, we would have visitors, likewise there were times that I would be by myself. I clearly remember the night the pastors of our local church came by to comfort and pray for us. Though I don’t remember all that was said, I do remember the looks on their faces. They were looks of genuine concern for us. Making sure that we were okay, and also that our souls were okay. I’m grateful that our senior pastor quickly talked about death and that if Bentley died it wouldn't be the end of our world. Then he said, “There, we've thought about it, now let’s move on.” These words were kind and loving. Our church had just gone through a series on 1 Peter, this series prepared Danny and my souls for our current trial.

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” 1 Peter 4:12

“Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” 1 Peter 4:19

 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:10-11

There was another evening, that I clearly remember but this time I was alone. It felt good considering all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head, plus all the family that was trying to comfort me. I put on my iPod and decided to listen to some worship music to help my soul not to wander. The song that came on was one of my favorites, but was hard to listen to as I was faced with living out the song’s words. Count it all Joy. As I listened, the tears wouldn’t stop. Everything in my body resisted wanting to sing the song. As the song continued on I had to stop listening. I didn’t count it a joy then, and I couldn’t sing the words.

A few days later, I was sent home while Bentley continued his stay in the NICU. The following Sunday we had the opportunity to attend our church’s Sunday morning meeting. God gave me another opportunity to show my faith. This time is was a hymn. The hymn It Is Well With My Soul began and Danny and I looked at each other. Knowing that this was going to be hard, Danny pulled me close and we began to sing.

Hands raised, tears streaming, we worshiped our God because it is well our souls. My greatest need has been taken care of at the cross. It didn't change the fain I felt during my suffering, but it changes my perspective. In light of my sin, there is a hug gap between me and God and now and God. Jesus closed that gap and now I have peace with God. No amount of suffering on this momentary earth can take away my eternal peace. When this world passes away I can be with God. Sorrows and suffering produces faith. 

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:7

It would have been sad if Bentley had died, but that is not my greatest problem. My sin before God is my greatest problem and Jesus took care of that. Remembering that it is well with my soul causes me not to ask why, but to give thanks! This applies to our current situation, we now know that both of our children have PKD and yet I don't feel the need to ask why. I trust God. He will give me the grace, strength, peace and joy to care for the little ones He has blessed me with!